“Often as I wander, I fall.
Slowly and to my knees, the fall, and the eventually fully sprawled and then habitually imbued in You.
I’ve wandered through, in and out of the lives of the shambolic comeliness of my disparate histories.
The same refrain sung to an ever changing earworm.
When I was left alone in the wheat, I bathed in juniper nightly. Perplexed and and unwilling to question to myself, I drove thousands of miles for comfort and often still remedy things similarly.
When I was left alone in the wheat, my brain was filled with star trails. I recorded the sky immobile in my decisions. Soon, I was lumbering up and down Massachusetts or Kentucky night after night after night exhaling hot, alcohol breath from my nose into the frigid air.
When I was left alone in the wheat, I swam in waters blue than me. Bluer than You. I laid under the warm Midwestern sun exacting selfish adventures and pretending to perfect solemnity to quell my unhappiness.
Having left stagnation time and time again, and at times being an egoist as a version of self care, ones’ ego can often feel the bluest waters, the hottest sun and the darkest nights at all once. The quadrillion connections that make up my brain in a momentary malaise but not really…I’d probably be dead or dumber. I’m not sure how to describe one’s limbic system being butt hurt, but I won’t stop trying.”
I feel like everything I have done recently has been an attempt to be better at all – to be anything in this world – and to be thankful for realizing that I’ve never actually been lost and only sometimes I’ve been an asshole. Ah boy. Hi, I am Joshua Edward Huskisson.